DISCLAIMER: This is an unauthorized Babylon 5 fanfic. I'm not making any money on it, and I don't ever expect to. Go ahead and sue me, but I guarantee I don't have anything anyone would want. This is a sequel to "The Hard Water Story" (Creative, huh?) Continuing with the bigger, more important disclaimer . . .THIS IS NOT MEANT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY. If you do, I may have to have the irate Commander Susan Ivanova attack you, and that's not good. Especially not after what I put her through in this story . . . Anyway, with no further ado! . . .

The Soft Water Story

Commander Susan Ivanova walked into the officer's mess, extremely grumpy and exhausted. Getting her food and a cup of Earthforce "coffee" she sat down beside Captain John Sheridan, who had just sat down himself. "Good morning, Susan," he said taking a sip of his coffee. "Is it just me, or does this coffee taste strange?" he asked. "It tastes kind of like . . ." Pausing, Sheridan took another sip. "Like sulfur . . ." Suddenly, Sheridan jumped out of his chair, knocking it down as a sudden realization passed over him. "Good God!" he shouted. "Come on, Commander, we have to get up to C and C!" That said, he raced from the mess, cooks and several other officers casting glances at each other. Commander Ivanova shrugged, dumped her plate of food into the trash unit, poured out her coffee, and followed her CO at a more leisurely pace towards C and C.

Meanwhile, Sheridan burst into C and C, causing all the techs to look at him strangely. Lieutenant Corwin, who was already on duty, glanced up at his nearly hysterical Captain. "Mr. Corwin, run a full scan on the station's water supply!"

"Sir?" Corwin asked, slightly puzzled by his Captain's odd behavior.

"Now!" he yelled, barely contained panic showing in his voice. Corwin immediately began pushing buttons while Sheridan waited. Suddenly . . .

"YOU'RE NOT ABOVE THE LAW!" Sheridan screamed, bolting out of C and C Corwin looked up at his shout, immensely confused, and then glanced around at the rest of the crew.

Susan Ivanova stepped out of the lift and had taken two steps when someone slammed into her, knocking her to the floor. "What the . . . ?" she asked, ready to give hell to whoever it was had bowled her over like that. She pushed herself up and found herself face to face with John Sheridan. After a long, uncomfortable pause where she pondered saying what she thought and to hell with the court martial, she said simply, "Captain?"

"They don't understand Susan! They don't understand at all!" Sheridan's eyes were wide as he looked at her, humor mixed with every tone of his voice.

"What don't they understand?"

"No one understands. No one but me. I understand." Sheridan giggled, something so out of character that Ivanova began to wonder what kind of drugs he had been using. "I understand." Suddenly, his mood did a complete one eighty and he frowned. "By the time they understand, it'll be too late. Tooooooo late." He jumped up and raced into the lift, throwing a maintenance man out of it onto Ivanova. She could still hear his giggling as the door slid shut behind him.

Pushing the shocked tech off of her, she moved quickly to C and C.

Everybody seemed wary as the door slid open, and she began to wonder just what was going on that she had missed.

"Would someone mind telling me what the hell is going on here?" she demanded.

"Well ma'am," Corwin began, obviously holding something back. Something she knew would piss her off or else make this day horrible. Either way, it was shot.

"Spit it out, Lieutenant," she barked.

"We have soft water." Ivanova gave a immense sigh.

"Why does all this stuff have to happen on my watch?" she asked in annoyance. Tapping her link, she spoke into it, barely containing her annoyance. "Garibaldi, we have a problem."

Down in security central, Garibaldi listened without much enthusiasm, Zack Allan standing behind him and shaking his head. When the commander had finished, Garibaldi sighed and turned to Zack. "Why does all this stuff fall on my shoulders? First it's hard water, now it's too soft. Good grief. Zack, I need you to go find the captain. He's obviously gone nuts, and we don't want him doing anything stupid. I'll deal with the other problem."

"Sure Chief. I'll put out a bulletin."

"In the meantime, I'm going up to C and C." Garibaldi rose, looking as a man with a heavy load on his shoulders, and walked out of the room.

Walking down the Zocalo, Ambassador Delenn suddenly heard giggles and a lot of shouting from up ahead. Turning, she saw John bolting towards her, giggling madly, being chased by Zack Allan and several security guards. Zack had a look of absolute annoyance on his face as he and the other officers chased after their captain. Giving Delenn a mad wave, Sheridan

raced by her, jumping over several obstacles and knocking people out of the way. Delenn frowned and resumed her walk at a faster pace, feet taking her towards C and C.

Delenn arrived at C and C just as Garibaldi did. "Then someone tell me a way to handle this problem!" they heard as the door slid open and they walked in. "We're going to have people going nuts all over the place!" The irate Commander Susan Ivanova glared at the techs, sweeping her gaze from one to the other, waiting for a response. When none was forthcoming, she cast an even harder glance at Lieutenant Corwin, who was taking the brunt of her anger, and crossed her arms, glaring out the main window. Garibaldi raised his eyebrows and looked away, but Delenn stepped quickly forward to where Ivanova was standing.

"What is the matter, Commander?" she asked softly.

"I don't know where this comes from," the commander growled in annoyance. "But we have soft water! First it's hard, now it's soft. I don't know why, I don't know how, and I sure as hell am pissed that it did. We can't think of any way to fix the problem, and we've got traffic outside that can't come in. Those transport crews are irritable, I'm irritable, and it's a fine day for

PMS!" She glared at Corwin yet again, who had turned red at the mention of certain . . .female . . .problems.

"Commander Ivanova, if I may be of some use?" Ivanova turned and looked down at Delenn. "A thousand years ago, just after the last Shadow War, Minbar had this problem. We created a solution, a small pill that, when placed in soft water, makes it harder again. I believe it will work in your situation."

"How soon can you get us one?"

"Because soft water is so rare in the Minbari Federation, there is only one place that manufactures these pills. It is a small colony named Dralli on the far boarder of Minbari space."

"How soon can you get one here?" Ivanova asked, eyes fixed on Delenn.

"That is the trouble. It will be a week before a transport could get here from that far."

"A week?" Ivanova demanded. "By then everyone on the station will have gone crazy over this!"

"It is possible they already have," Delenn mentioned. "Even though you put out the announcement, we do not know how many people have been affected, nor can we stop them from drinking water. Even so, I will contact my government and get it sent as soon as possible."

"I guess that will have to work," Ivanova said wrathfully. "Thank you, Ambassador." Delenn bowed and hurriedly left C and C.

Zack Allan, after a failed attempt to tackle his captain, stayed on the deck of the Zocalo, chest heaving. Sean Frank, one of the other security guards, came over to him, and plopped down next to him, glancing over. "Zack," he said, "I've seen some weird stuff around here, but this takes the cake."

"I don't know about that. What about last New Year's Eve when the Chief . . ."

"Okay, you win! We don't need to go into that again." Zack smiled and started to laugh.

"No, we don't," he agreed.

Zack's link beeped.

"Allan here," he answered.

"Zack, we got him. What should we do with him?"

"I guess take him up to holding. The Chief never really said . . ."

"That's fine, but we'd better hurry. He's loony."

"I am not!" Zack heard over the link. "You're the loony ones! You have no idea what's going on, do you?" There was maniacal laughter. "I do. I do. But before you know it'll be tooooooooo late. Too late." The link beeped again, and the line went dead. Zack glanced at Sean and they both began to laugh.

Over the next several days, things degraded from crazy to completely deranged.

The Zocalo filled with people of all races who raced about, trashing carts and spilling the wares all over the deck.

The halls echoed with the sounds of laughter.

People streaked and hallucinated, filling Babylon 5 with a melee that security had ceased trying to keep in check, especially considering that most of those said security guards were among the rioters.

Zack Allan sat in the station house, glaring at the screen in front of him. From the cells down the hall came laughter and other clamor which was slowly driving him crazy, even without drinking any water. He and the chief, at least, the chief had been helping him before he began to think he was one of the Duck Dodgers, had given up trying to do anything for the simple fact that

no matter how many security guards there were to be had, a quarter of a million people going off their rockers is a little much for anybody to handle. And that's merely assuming that the security force wasn't involved. Which was not the case. As Zack contemplated their situation, he began to get even more annoyed, and the din from the prisoners in the background didn't help.

It was then the door slid open and Officer Halley Gillmore stepped in. "Hey, Zack," she said, "How's it goin'?"

"Just peachy," he growled, "There's nothing I can do as these crazies tear this station apart, I can't drink any water and I'm dying for even a tiny glass, and I don't know how many more choruses of "99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall" I can stand!" Halley listened to the prisoners sing for a moment.

"They been doing that for awhile?" she asked.

"1563 times and counting," Zack told her. Her eyebrows raised.

"How long will it take before you have to join them in the cells?"

"3 times and counting," he told her. "I wish I could go in there and knock them all senseless."

"You could claim it was self defense. After all, you would be protecting your sanity."

"Don't give me any ideas," he told her grimly. "I might just take them."

"Yeah," she said with a smile. "You should really get out of here. These guys are enough to make you a raging lunatic."

"Where would I go? It's no better outside."

"Home?" she asked.

"That's a thought," he agreed, "Or maybe we can just shoot every single one of them."

Halley began to laugh, and considering his comment he did not understand why. Especially since he was getting to the point where he was serious. He turned to face her, annoyed.

"Do you like green eggs and ham?" she asked, "I do I do Sam I am!" Giggling, she turned around and bolted out of the security office. Zack groaned and considered knocking himself unconscious.

"How do I get through four more days of this?" he asked himself.

Three days later, Zack got his answer.

The day started out as normal as possible. He woke up in the security office where he had fallen asleep on the console, feeling rather odd but not thinking anything of it. The earplugs he had procured were helping nicely to keep the madness out of his mind, although the silence was getting to him. He felt it somewhat ironic that he couldn't stand the noise but the silence was

slowly driving him nuts. Peanuts or cashews? he wondered, and an odd urge to laugh settled over him. For a moment he stared at the screen, and then he began to giggle. Rising from his chair, he didn't notice that Commander Ivanova had stepped in and was behind him. He bumped gently into her. "Oh, Commander," he said with a grin, "I was just gettin' up. I didn't mean to bump yah like that." He couldn't hear what she replied because of the earplugs, but he knew she said something because her lips were moving. "Wait, Commander, I can't hear yah," he mumbled, "I can't. I think it's because the music's too loud." He giggled again and stepped away from the console. "Oh well," he said happily, "If you can't beat 'em, join 'em!"

He paused, taking a deep breath and. . . "GO GREASED LIGHTNIN', GO GREASED LIGHTNIN'!!" He grinned and began to dance crazily in a vaguely reminiscent 1970's style, with the now extremely irate Commander Susan Ivanova looking on. "Go go go go go go go GO GREASED LIGHTNIN' YOU'RE CRUSIN' DOWN THE QUARTER MILE!" He stopped and began to giggle even harder. "Hey, Susie," he said to the now extremely enraged, irate Commander Susan Ivanova. "You oughta try this. It's fun! GO GREASED LIGHTNIN', GO GREASED LIGHTNIN'!!!!"

With one punch, Ivanova knocked him over and out.

"This is madness," Ivanova said to no one in particular as she stood in C and C. "Commander, there's nothing we can do," Corwin said, feeling as though he were taking his own life into his hands. She threw him a hard glance, one he had grown used to in the past several days, and then promptly ignored him.

"Quite frankly, Lieutenant, I'm sick of people telling me that!" Ivanova screamed, "After all, I just want . . ." Her voice trailed off and she stood as if memorized, staring out the main viewport as the stars moved past.

"Commander?"

"I'm sorry?" she asked, her mood having done a complete one-eighty. She sounded almost. . .passive, which was strange for Susan Ivanova.

"You were saying . . ."

"Was I?"

"Yeah, you just want . . ." he raised his eyebrows and motioned emphatically.

"Oh, yeah . . ." Ivanova said slightly, a smile creeping across her face, "I just want . . .to SING!" Corwin's mouth dropped open in surprise as she turned around and strode over to the railing above the control pit. She gripped it tightly in both hands, opened her mouth and sucked in a great breath of air, then suddenly: "DON'T CRY FOR ME ARGENTINA! THE TRUTH IS I NEVER LEFT YOU! ALL THROUGH MY WILD DAYS, MY MAD EXISTENCE, I'VE KEPT MY PROMISE! DON'T KEEP YOUR DISTANCE!" Corwin was not quite sure who he should call, especially since everyone, at that moment, did want to keep their distance. In a flash of foresight, Corwin realized that he would pay for this--undoubtedly, after the Commander was cured and found out what she had done, she would be madder than a nest of hornets after a kid threw a rock at it. He cringed, knowing he would take the brunt of her embarrassment, and tapped his link.

"Corwin to MedLab," he began.

"Franklin here," a harassed, tired voice replied.

"Sir, the Commander's lost it," Corwin began.

"So has everyone else on the station, practically," Franklin replied sarcastically, "I care why?"

Corwin was about to make a reply, when suddenly he was grabbed from behind. Jerked around, Commander Ivanova grabbed one of his shoulders and his hand and began waltzing him around the command deck, all the while singing at the top of her lungs.

"TELL ME BEFORE YOU WALTZ OUT OF MY LIFE, BEFORE TURNING YOUR BACK ON THE PAST! FORGIVE MY IMPERTINENT BEHAVIOR, BUT HOW LONG DO YOU THINK THIS PANTOMIME CAN LAST??!!"

Finally managing to pull free from her strong grip, Corwin stumbled and almost fell into the control pit. Finding a security box attached to the railing, he quickly pulled out a pair of handcuffs from the box and motioned for two of the other techs to grab the commander, who was still belting music at the top of her lungs.

Managing to get the handcuffs on her, he ordered the two techs to take her to the brig.

Ivanova was pushed gently into a cell, where she had finally stopped singing. "Hey Susan!" she heard a voice say, "You wanna know a secret?"

Ivanova grinned. "Yeah!" she replied happily, forgetting to start singing.

"I'll bet you do!" Sheridan said with maniacal laughter, "I understand, Susan, but no one else does! And I'll bet it's toooooooo late! Too late, and no one knows but me! And everyone else would like to know wouldn't they? But they don't know, and they don't understand at all!" his eyes widened, "I do! I do!"

Ivanova glared at him, then the glare changed to an evil grin, and she began singing.

"MASTER OF THE HOUSE, ISN'T WORTH MY SPIT! COMFORTER, PHILOSOPHER, AND LIFE LONG SHIT! CUNNING LITTLE BRAIN, REGULAR VOLTAIRE, THINKS HE'S QUITE A LOVER BUT there's not much there!" she couldn't help but break up her song with a giggle, "WHAT A CRUEL TRICK OF NATURE, LADEN ME WITH SUCH A LOUSE! GOD KNOWS HOW I'VE LASTED, LIVING WITH THIS BASTARD IN THE HOUSE!"

Ivanova started laughing uncontrollably, but was interrupted when Sheridan hit her firmly in the jaw with a left hook. This disintegrated into a horrible fight which several security guards had to break up.

The guards carefully moved Ivanova down the hall, deciding that they ought to separate her and the Captain before either hurt themselves too badly. Putting her into a cell they thought was empty, they walked off without thinking much of it. "Howdy, Susan," a voice came happily from the corner, "How're you?"

"Peachy keen!" she replied with a smile, "How're you, Stephen?"

"Peachy keen!" he answered.

"I want to sing," she said.

"Fine by me," he said, "I want to listen to the voices." Susan nodded.

"SIT ON MY FACE, AND TELL ME THAT YOU LOVE ME! I'LL SIT ON YOUR FACE AND TELL YOU I LOVE YOU TOO! I LOVE TO HEAR YOU MORALIZE, WHEN I'M BETWEEN YOUR THIGHS, YOU BLOW ME AWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY! SIT ON MY FACE, AND LET MY HIPS EMBRACE YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!"

"Why do you want me to do that?" Franklin asked. She stopped mid song and fell into what appeared to be deep thought.

"I don't know," she finally answered, "Would you want to sit on my face?"

"Not especially," he replied emphatically, "I might suffocate you."

"That would suck," Ivanova replied, "It would really suck."

"Dying is bad," Stephen replied seriously, "Very bad indeed." There was a pause.

"Everyone dies," he continued, "And I can't do anything about it. How come I'm a doctor and I can't stop everyone from dying?"

"I dunno," Ivanova replied, "I don't think you're God, are you?"

"I don't think so," Stephen answered, "Maybe that's why."

"I think it is," Ivanova replied, and after a slight pause, "Can I sing again?" Stephen nodded.

"OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! GLORY, GLORY HALLELUJAH! THE VORLONS ARE REALLY GONNA SCREW YAH! LORIEN'S A STRANGER, GARIBALDI MAY BE TOO, OH VALEN WHERE ARE YOU???!!"

Delenn sat down across from Lennier at the low table, glancing down at their food. "Thank you for making dinner, Lennier," she told him, "The flarn looks wonderful." He bowed, then after that, he quietly picked up his fork and began to eat as she did. They were silent, and for a moment the hallway was too, a rare occurrence in the past several days. There was no sound at all as they ate, and Delenn was quite happy for the respite from the madness that had gripped the station for the past days.

They were almost finished, when she heard Lennier humming under his breath. "What is that you are humming, Lennier?" she asked, curious.

"It's an old human song, I think. I heard it the other day. It's called 'Fish Heads'."

"I'd like to hear it," Delenn said.

"Of course," Lennier replied, starting to sing, "Fish heads, fish heads, roly poly fish heads! Fish heads, fish heads, eat them up yum! In the morning lopping happy fish heads, in the evening floating in the soup! Fish heads, fish heads, roly poly fish heads! Fish heads, fish heads, eat them up yum!" Lennier giggled.

Delenn was tired, and she was beginning to feel like she was the only sane person remaining on the station. She was tired of hearing the madness, tired of seeing the madness, trying to ignore Lennier . . .it all brought her to a state of exhaustion of a sort she had never felt before and hoped she would never experience again. "One more hour," she said to no one in particular, "One more hour and things will begin to go back to normal. As normal as they get anyway," she conceded. She sat, trying to meditate, but she could not concentrate. Blobs of bright colors floated past her closed eyelids, and she began to wonder if she were coming under the effect of the water. Opening her eyes, she found the same colors swirling around the room.

"Whoa, look at all the pretty colors man!" she replied, then wondered where she had gotten the phrase. It sounded human, but she couldn't be sure. Centauri maybe? Drazi? With the last thought she broke into peals of laughter, trying to imagine a Drazi saying something of the sort. It was a comical mental image, and she felt as though she would never stop laughing.

The colors created a happy euphoria in her mind, and with the laughter she felt herself disappearing into a place where she could not experience much of anything except an almost disconnected state of euphoria. it felt good, and she did not think any more about anything but her happiness.

The Minbari ship with the pill docked and, finding no one answering their hails, immediately cut their way through the airlock onto the station. What they found was complete, random disorder and destruction, with people still madly running about, each in their own soft water-induced mental state.

"Captain?" one of the Minbari asked his leader, "What happened?"

"Soft water," the man replied, "Take a good look, Distenn. I doubt you'll see the likes of this again." They moved quickly down the hallway, dodging objects thrown in their direction as they attempted to reach the station's water supply.

After they put the pill in, there was no choice but to simply wait until the effects of the soft water wore off.

It took time, but eventually everyone came back to their senses, more or less ashamed of their previous actions, and everything was cleaned up and put back in order. No one was quick to forget the madness the soft water had brought, and from then on, it was standard for one or two of the soft water pills to remain on board.

By the way, Lieutenant Corwin had been right, but he took no pride in it, for the enraged, angered, extremely embarrassed, irate Commander Susan Ivanova made his life pure hell for some time.